Deb Apodaca (author of The Affliction Series) has been a great supporter of Treasured Tales for Young Adults right from the very beginning 🙂 (thanks Deb). She has written a very informative guest post about how sometimes love can go in an unhealthy direction and become obsessive. Thank you for the post Deb, and also a special thank you to Deb’s friend for sharing her story with Treasured Tales.
Hello young readers! Valentine’s Day is upon us and I was asked to write a topic for it on this lovely blog! But, I have veered off into a topic I think should be discussed and noticed more than it already has been. I wanted to shed some insight on love vs. obsessive love.
When love has knocked on your door, you welcome it with open arms because that is what your heart desires and demands of you. We are full of love to give to family, friends, pets, and hobbies. These are things that fill us with joy. Love is a beautiful thing. When it is a special someone that has stolen your heart, you always feel the need to make that person happy. You want them to be happy and do things that make them feel good whether they’re with you or not.
Let’s say, your partner went out with their friends and had an amazing time and told you all about it. You can’t help but smile at the crazy adventure and have fun hearing the details. You might even wish you were there so you could have experienced it for yourself, but you promised a friend you would hang out with them, so maybe next time…no big deal.
Obsessive love will go differently….
Your partner is out with their friends and all you can think about is…what is he/she doing right now? Why is he/she taking so long? I shouldn’t have hung out with my friend instead of going. And it goes on and on. So many scenarios run through your mind and you even consider one that involves them being interested in someone else while out with their friends. You don’t have a good time whatever it is that you’re doing unless your partner returns from the adventure. And you’re not happy about it, you were worried sick and want to know all the details so that you can analyze if there is anything to worry about.
LOVE: Two people are connected by supporting each other, loving each other in feelings and actions, each partner giving into the relationship, and bringing out the best in each other.
UNHEALTHY LOVE: Being the giver all the time while the other is always the taker, nothing is equal because you strive to give without concern about your own needs. Having questions formulating in your mind making you feel anxiety or anticipation to gather all the needed information about an activity you THINK your partner is doing. You feel upset if he/she isn’t around you. Anxiety takes over and you can’t get this person off of your mind which causes you to not function normally. Thinking about him/her constantly to the point that you’re miserable. You assume you are in love because that person is always on your mind. Making all the decisions in your life based on the feelings and needs of the other person.
Here is a link to a more detailed informative blog that will open your eyes.
I have a story that was emailed to me by an old friend. She will remain anonymous for the sake of her privacy. Let’s call her ‘Sarah.’ She wanted to share her story and how she overcame being obsessed with her partner.
~ * ~
“I married my high school sweetheart and I don’t feel so lucky. I began to date him when I was sixteen and he was also sixteen, I never had another boyfriend besides him. I felt that I was immediately in love with him and I would thank God every night for blessing me with knowing him and being with him. I constantly thought about him throughout the day and night. We weren’t living together because we were obviously too young, so I would find myself wondering what he was doing while he wasn’t with me. I would come up with scenarios and ask him questions while trying to sound natural like I was having a normal conversation with him, but what I was really doing was investigating and manipulating him to slip up any information I could use. I thought it was normal. It got worse, I would find a way out of any family trips if he wasn’t going so that I would be with him.
The main reason I wanted to make sure I was with him was so that he wouldn’t cheat on me or fall in love with some other girl. I would always put my close family and friends aside for him. It wasn’t his fault, he didn’t make me do any of it. My cousins would ask me to hang out with them and I would tell them no. I wouldn’t tell them why. I’d tell them no because if I would go out, he would also and he would most likely do something behind my back. Eventually, family and friends grew distant from me and I disappointed them on many occasions when they asked for me to be there for them when they were going through a tough time, I would brush them off because all my time and energy was devoted to him.
Years passed and I forgave all the horrible things he had done behind my back with other girls. With my own friends and other things I would have never imagined. I cried and he didn’t care. I hurt and he kept doing them. But I stayed because I was too dependent of his presence. I felt that I desperately needed to be with him in order to breathe. So I would brush everything off and forgive him. At least I thought that’s what I was doing. Inside, I was growing with hate towards him because of all the betrayals while I on the other hand, was always faithful to him. I didn’t even check out movie stars because my eyes were only for him.
Then I got pregnant on purpose so that he would for sure stay with me. He would leave me behind while he lived his life hanging out and being young. I would stay at home waiting for him with extreme anxiety, I would even drive at 2 in the morning to see if he was where he said he would be. I became depressed while I was pregnant and after I had the baby, I had postpartum depression. I was depressed because I couldn’t be attached to him anymore because I had a baby to take care of. It hit me hard, but I always had a big heart and I loved my baby. Not because it was a part of him, but because it was my baby. As a mother, I was forced to put my time into my bundle of joy and that took time away from putting it into him. Having my baby gave me something to get my mind occupied on rather than my partner and it was healing the obsession. I opened my eyes to see all the hurt and betrayal I didn’t deserve. I began to put time into my family that received me with open arms. I got in touch with my best friend again and caught up on the lost years. It turns out, she was going through her own obsession and she told me of her story.
Now, I am much older than I was when that dreadful obsession started and I have kids and am divorcing him. It is still a hard thing to do because I feel that I have some lingering obsession, but my kids and I are more important and we deserve happiness. I will meet the love of my life one day and I’ll have the happily ever after my best friend had after she ended her obsession. I hope that you will too.”
~ * ~
Sarah overcame her obsession by occupying her mind with something else. Although it took her about 9 years to overcome it, it finally happened for her and she feels happy now. If you find yourself in a similar situation, please find something else to put your obsessive energy into and cut off that person completely! Stop feeling empty inside and anxious, it’s not love.
If you are in love, then I am so happy for you! But your friend or loved one may be going through obsessive behavior. No one around Sarah had a clue that her feelings for her partner were serious. If you see the signs, please show them this post and have them click on the link and read Sarah’s story.
Thank you so much for reading this! I wish all of you the best of luck whether you’re in love or obsessed!
Thank you Deb for writing about this topic. I totally agree with your thoughts.
Say hello to Deb:
Read my review of Captivated.
Previous Valentine’s Day Book Love Posts: